After many years of frustration and recently, being in tears nearly every day, I decided to start writing. Write out my frustrations, write for sanity and write to find others who may be experiencing the same thing I am or have previously experienced it and have survived to tell the tale.
My 23-year-old son despises me. He can't stand to be around me, I embarrass him in public and around his friends, he has absolutely NO respect for me, and treats his little brother (14-year-old half brother) horribly. He calls him his "little sister", sissy, doesn't want to spend time with either of us and there are many other details...I could on and on.
He went to live with his dad six hours away when he was 15, then after high school he moved closer but with work and college, I didn't see him much. Now that we have an opportunity to see each other more, there are some problems arising. I have discovered that his father lied about why his father and I divorced (when my son was three-years-old). His dad told him it was because I cheated on him, when in fact it was the other way around and I wanted to remain married and work it out. The reason for a divorce shouldn't be discussed with a child and if it ever is, like when they get older, then it should at least be the truth.
There are more lies, the worst being the picture my ex painted of me for my son. The three short years my son lived with his father, he was told that all I cared about was money and that I lied to the courts about money that he had given me, and that I'm a loser and can't hold down a job, etc. It's a bunch of bull, of course, and my ex is a pathological liar. The court records are crystal clear and he STILL owes me. My son believes that I "never paid child support" like I was "supposed to - that the court ordered" when he went to live with his father at 15. First, to make sure that I had proper rights to see my son and things were in writing and court-ordered like who drove to and from for that six-hour drive, I was the one who initiated drawing up a stipulation with the changes: new parenting time agreement, child support, etc. Well with all of the child support arrears he owed, my support to him was just going to be a deduction of what his monthly payment to me was supposed to be. So during the time my son was living with his father, my ex was STILL supposed to be sending me a monthly check!
But, of course, my ex can do no wrong in my son's eyes and I sit here in disbelief as I wonder about the three years of parental alienation my son was victim to. We were best buddies. He was the first one to hold his little brother after he was born and stayed with me in the hospital when I had my c-section. We were so close. But now, he says, "I hate the way you raised me!" and "Sometimes I can't stand the sound of your voice." This is, of course, because he doesn't know me. He has forgotten who I am and believes I am this other person my ex made me out to be.
For so many years friends and certain family members would say, "Why do you let his father see him when he doesn't pay child support?" The answer, of course, is, "Why would I punish my son for his father's stupidity?" My son wanted to see his daddy and I wanted him to have a relationship with his father. Divorce is hard enough on children, why would anyone want to deprive their child of time spent with the other parent?
After a time, my ex turned into "Disneyland Dad". This is especially difficult to deal with by the other parent who is supposed to be receiving child support and ISN'T. In case you haven't heard the expression, a "Disneyland Dad" is a dad who takes his child for the weekend and showers him with gifts and takes him to fun places and out to eat and to the movies and the arcade and and and ...... yeah!!!!! Fun, fun, fun, all weekend long! Then what? Boohoo :o( back home to mom's house - chores, get ready for the school week, brush your teeth, go to bed, get up early, go to school, do your homework, repeat, repeat, repeat, etc, then...Yeah, time for Disneyland Dad's again.
Dad = good
Mom = bad
Dad = fun
Mom = mean
We do so much because we love our children. I would do many things the same but I would definitely do some things different if I had to do it over again. One of them would be I would have been MUCH more strict on going after the child support so that I could have been Disneyland Mom sometimes. :o) Actually, I did take him to Disneyland twice. His dad went to Disney World once with his 2nd wife and adopted son but didn't take our son - brought him back a key chain or some minor trinket.
Just for general info on character -
The ex was charged with attempted bank robbery in Nov '98. He told my son that he was arrested because he looked like someone who robbed a bank, then was released. This is the same story he told the Colorado Division of Real Estate and when they caught him in that lie they took his real estate license. The truth is that he was charged with a felony and his parents had to mortgage everything they owned to pay for lawyers to defend him. He got lucky - got off on a technicality - illegal search "fruit from the poisonous tree". Anyway, just one example of the lies. Lies, lies, lies.
I was wife #1, he is now working on #5. Hey, nobody's perfect, I was married twice.
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